I was judgy.
I admit it.
Every year I would read about the mothers who were counting down the days until their kiddos went back to school and posted gleeful pics of themselves enjoying brunch on the veranda with their girlfriends on the first day of school and I would self-righteously think to myself, “I LOVE having my kids home. I’m ALWAYS sad when they go back to school.”
Whatever reaping I shall receive for my pious-mother sowing I will take with humble acceptance – cause folks… I cannot get these kids out of here fast enough.
And let me tell you why.
Why oh why.
First of all… the messes. Sweet Lord in heaven… the messes. My friend Judy Miller once told me that kids got messier as they got older. Once again – I scoffed. No way able-bodied above infancy children could create more disasters than toddlers with toys and poop.
Oh my… was I ever wrong.
Have you ever had to clean a stovetop after your kids have made themselves Mac & Cheese? How in the world can they manage to get that sticky powdery cheese stuff into every possible crevice God ever created? And WHY is it so hard to ladle a spoonful of pasta into a dish without leaving a trail of squishy smashed macaroni?
Oh… lest you tell me how YOU always make your kids clean up after themselves…let’s me just say “Whatevs.” My kids cleaning up said mess can only be described as creating some sort of smushy cheesy trail of semi-wiped up nastyness. It takes just as long to clean up their “cleaning.”
And then there’s the socks discarded in the middle of the backyard only to be blessed with the morning dew and turned into a muddy smelly mess. And the flip flop avalanche by the front door. And the laundry… I can’t even talk about the laundry.
They’re here ALL the TIME and therefore the messes are constant. The ONLY room that is ever clean in my house is the one I JUST picked up… because by the time I get the next one cleaned… they’ve already destroyed the one I just left. Its madness, I tell you… madness.
And that’s only the beginning of my woes.
Can we talk about the “question” situation? I never knew there were so many questions that existed in the universe. “Can I go here?” “Can I go there?” “Can so and so come over” and “Can you drive me to such and such?” The sheer brain energy that it takes for me to navigate the barrage of questions that are sure to come my way at any given moment is enough to make me want to cover my ears and scream, “LALALALLA – I CAN’T HEAR YOU! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” There are just SO. MANY. WORDS.
And then there’s the people. ALLLLLLL the people. I love our neighborhood children SO dearly – they are honestly some of my favorite kids in the world. But after three months I just want to scream “IF I did not ACTUALLY give birth to you…I am not giving you ONE MORE juice box!”
And can we talk about the driving? The endless hours shuttling the people from one place to another. And their friends. And the friends of their friend’s friends. I am quite confident that I singlehandedly bought some BP executive a third yacht this summer with the amount of gasoline I purchased.
So I admit it. I can’t wait for school to start. Not because I don’t love my children (I really, really do.) And not because I don’t love to spend time with them (I seriously, seriously do.)
But because I’m only human. And there is a time and a season for everything. And by golly the season for them to enjoy the company of their teachers and give me time to hear myself think is upon us my friends.
And of course… you know that as soon as they’re gone… I’m going to smile and take a selfie of myself enjoying a quiet cup of coffee.
And then I’m going to miss them…